I’ve been sitting here for the last hour trying to write
this. Actually no I have deleted this twice because I am unsure if I want
people to see this. For anyone who has read this blog before its fairly obvious
that I have had my ups and downs, mentally I am in a better headspace than I
was in 2008 but it is still a battle sometimes. I’ve been dealing with
depression and inner demons for as long as I can remember, there are days where
I’m fine and I can be the happiest person on the planet but there are others
where I feel useless and unwanted.
I heard an analogy to describe depression once and to me it certainly does fit. Depression is like a castle, inside that castle are all your hopes & dreams and your happiness for the future and the castle walls that surround them protect them from outside forces. But when those demons come at you they are almost an opposing army attacking the Castle walls trying to destroy what hope you have left. And sometimes those Castle walls crumble and break and the only thing that stops that opposing army from destroying your hope is reinforcements from the outside. In my case I’ve had those walls crumble but never destroyed completely, I had outside help when I needed it the most.
But there are nights like tonight where I sit here and those negative thoughts just creep in and float around. They don’t do anything except sit there until you are just about ready to go to bed and then attack you when you are at your most vulnerable. At that point you could say it’s a knight vs. a dragon and only one will come out on top. I get told I’m ridiculous and that I shouldn’t worry sometimes but when you have these types of thoughts you can never take what someone else says at face value. You just keep going around in circles hoping that it will all end soon enough but its only once sleep takes hold that it ever does.
You wonder if you are bothering people, if they want to talk to you or the big one would you be missed if you were not around. I guess these have hung with me simply because of the lack of confidence in who I am as a person. It’s hard for anyone to understand simply because each situation is unique for people and I guess that’s why I can say unless you have walked in my shoes you won’t understand how I feel. I don’t consider this a bad thing because it simply means I have to force myself to talk more e.g. what I’m doing now.
I know I’m not alone in this situation each person has their own battles to fight & their own castle to defend, it’s just a matter of if we can stop those walls from crumbling or not and surviving to keep our hopes & dreams alive.
I heard an analogy to describe depression once and to me it certainly does fit. Depression is like a castle, inside that castle are all your hopes & dreams and your happiness for the future and the castle walls that surround them protect them from outside forces. But when those demons come at you they are almost an opposing army attacking the Castle walls trying to destroy what hope you have left. And sometimes those Castle walls crumble and break and the only thing that stops that opposing army from destroying your hope is reinforcements from the outside. In my case I’ve had those walls crumble but never destroyed completely, I had outside help when I needed it the most.
But there are nights like tonight where I sit here and those negative thoughts just creep in and float around. They don’t do anything except sit there until you are just about ready to go to bed and then attack you when you are at your most vulnerable. At that point you could say it’s a knight vs. a dragon and only one will come out on top. I get told I’m ridiculous and that I shouldn’t worry sometimes but when you have these types of thoughts you can never take what someone else says at face value. You just keep going around in circles hoping that it will all end soon enough but its only once sleep takes hold that it ever does.
You wonder if you are bothering people, if they want to talk to you or the big one would you be missed if you were not around. I guess these have hung with me simply because of the lack of confidence in who I am as a person. It’s hard for anyone to understand simply because each situation is unique for people and I guess that’s why I can say unless you have walked in my shoes you won’t understand how I feel. I don’t consider this a bad thing because it simply means I have to force myself to talk more e.g. what I’m doing now.
I know I’m not alone in this situation each person has their own battles to fight & their own castle to defend, it’s just a matter of if we can stop those walls from crumbling or not and surviving to keep our hopes & dreams alive.
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